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[11 Aug 2008|09:09pm]
I think since I'm going to start using this again, I'm going to make it friends only... Comment to be added.
1 of the same old fears| What have we found?

"I am exhausted, I'm black and blue.. don't say your cheating heart's attacking you, too." [06 Aug 2008|06:16pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Well, it's been a while. Since I've been stuck on ship for the past while, I've been reading up on my old entries...

At first I was really mad at myself for who I was, but then I realized that that's just me, at a different stage in my life. I can't get mad at myself, because as crazy as I was then, I did genuinly feel that way. It was just a fucked up time in my life, which I have moved on from, and there may have been a bit of maturing in there, too :)

My life now... Hmm. Really, aside from a few work problems, my lifes amazing. I finally feel comfortable enough with myself to actually realize that my friends really are my friends. If they didn't want to be my friends, I trust that they just wouldn't. Kyle and I are super close again. In fact, he lives with me right now. So, that's pretty great. Erica and I are friends again, which is crazy concidering the amount of lj fights we had in the past :P. Everything in my personal life is pretty well perfect. No, it is perfect. That's great to be able to say. :).

I think a lot of my problems in highschool, to be honest, had to do with where and who I lived with. That had to be the most distructive environment I could have possibly lived in. I see how much better life is now that I'm on my own, and Robin has nothing to do with my life. I like it much better that way. Really the only complaint I have, is never seeing Johnathan :(. I'm hoping that maybe this summer will be a good chance to fix that. He's 12! Like... woah. When did that happen? Haha, they grow up so fast.

Speaking of which, Trévon is 8 already. And my littlest nephew, Dhamon, is just about 3. It's pretty killer, actually. Plus, I have my first niece on the way. Actually, she should be coming tomorrow. :). Jacquelina, Jac for short. I'm very, very excited. Buuuut soon, my brother will have to stop having kids, or else I'm going to run out of room for tattoos! :)

Annd I guess the last thing to mention would be Sarah. That is so over, it's not even funny. The best part about it is that I don't miss her one bit. My life is so much better without her in it, I'm just happy that I can finally see that. Better late than never, I suppose. But I think that's even more than needs to be mentioned about her :).

This summer is going to be the best one in a while. I'm very excited. I have 2 weeks leave coming up, and I plan on spending lots of time with my friends and family. Maybe an adventure or two, but we'll see what happens. Plus, Katie W. is coming home to see me. Seriously, I don't think I can wait anymore, just get here already! Haha.

Wellllllll, I guess I should be going. It feels good to update again. I seriously think I might start using this again. Just to keep track of my life, and if something does upset me... it's a solid place to vent!

Damnit, I totally just lost. :D


4 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[04 Apr 2008|08:26pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I don't even know where to start. I don't even think anyone reads these things anymore, which is fine... I don't need anyone to read this, I just need to get it out.

I don't even know what I'm thinking. How can people be so selfish?

I know that we wern't happy for a while now, and I understand that it wasn't working. But cheating like you did, it's just so wrong. Why didn't you let me go, rather than breaking my heart all over again? You knew how in love with you I was... am I guess. And then even AFTER you cheated... you apologized over and over. You went on about how much you loved me and wanted to make it work. And here I was, the fucking idiot who beleived your lies. And then, while still telling me you loved me you fuck my best friend! How? How could you even think to do that. You should have at the very least told me to fuck off. Obviously you no longer had any sort of feelings for me, so why drag me along? Why do this to me again? You kill me! Absolutely fucking kill me. I'm not saying I was a good girlfriend. I never was, I guess. But at least I can say that I always loved you, and I always cared and did all I could in my power to make you happy. But you didn't even care did you? You never really cared! I spent the last 3 years of my life actually believing that someone cared so deeply for me, where really it was all a huge lie. I was just someone to make you feel better for yourself while you waited for someone better to come along. I hope you two are happy together. I really do, as pathetic as I am. I really hope you don't feel the way I do. I feel hollow. More than I ever have in my life. And the sad thing is; I'm still in love with you. I still want you to be happy and have a good life. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm so fucking stupid.

I knew I should never have decided to get into a relationship. I always knew that I couldn't trust anyone with my heart... I trusted you with so much! So much. And for what? Nothing, just to find out that the only thing that seemed to matter in my life was a lie. What you've done has taken every feeling I've ever had for you and made it worthless, and those were the only feelings I ever felt good about having. You were my life...

Wow, I didn't realize you could save drafts here... but I guess you can. I guess that's a few months old. I was going to make this private... but I don't think anyone is on LJ anymore so it doesn't really matter. And I don't really give a shit who reads it.

I don't even know what to say anymore. It's sad, but even after how I felt in that post... I went back again. Annnd my heart got ripped out again, suprise suprise. I think I'm going to start using LJ again. It's nice a private now that facebook is the in thing, and I really need to start expressing myself.

Why am I such a fuck-up? Like, really. I can't get over her, and I don't know why. I don't even think that I have a heart left. How could I after all of that shit? Yet, I'll set myself up for it again. I think I'm still looking for the girl I fell in love with. Too bad she no longer exists. I'm not the same Lindsay I was then, either... but my love for you never went away like yours did.

I'm always feeling like a huge fuck-up at work. At life in general, I guess. I don't keep in touch with anyone, I'm going no where in life... and I don't feel like my friendships are really holding up well. I'm broke, and I have nothing to show for it. I need a life... I really do.

I don't even know how to say what I feel anymore. I used to be able to, and it would take a lot of weight off of my shoulders, but now... I'm sort of numb. I just find it pretty hard to wrap my mind around everything that's gone on in the last year. It's a lot to take in, and I don't think I want to take it in.

Ah, I guess I'll stop here until I get my thoughts straight. There's no point in typing a bunch of unfinised thoughts. I should sleep anyway, before my next watch. *sigh*.

I just want to know why people find it so easy to walk all over me, do I deserve it?

Maybe I do for not stopping them. ...I tried to be a good person, but it's really not getting me too far. Blah, I wish my brain would slow down and start to make sence out of all of these thoughts. Anyway, I guess I'm going now... to lie in bed and think. Night.

3 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[30 May 2007|04:52pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

So, does anyone else want to make plans and ditch me? Apparently it's the thing to do...

(Sorry, bad mood.)

2 of the same old fears| What have we found?

pushups [21 Apr 2007|06:24pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Kicked their ass. I'm now a graduate and I'm coming home for good... Aside from sailing. Hoo hah!

2 of the same old fears| What have we found?

Where to start... [02 Jan 2007|04:16am]
[ mood | enraged ]

Another sleepless night for me. My mind wondering places I'd rather it didn't. I can't beleive this, it doesn't even make any sence. Fuck you Snook, you fucking piece of shit. After all I've done for you? And you pull this shit? Cocksucker. Really, what a friend. You don't deserve to even be a thought in my mind, unfortionitly you are. Go away, get out of my head, and my life. If I never see you again it'll be too soon. You better fucking hope I'm not on your ship. The people I never expected to hurt me did.I let my defenses down when I shouldn't have. It took me a long time to let my wall down with you, and then when I finally did, it backfired. All threw back in my fucking face. I bet you're sleeping well, huh Snook? You're having a nice fucking life, with all of those things that you don't deserve to have? I hope so, I really do for your sake. If you had only what you deserved, it'd be a pretty sad and miserable life. Even if things could go back to the way it did before, you still changed it... it'll never quite be the same. All I can say buddy; is you'll get yours. Someday, somewhere. I don't even give a shit how bad it hurts.... maybe then you'll have an idea of what you did to me you fucker. You make me sick, you really do.  I hope it felt really fucking good, I hope you were on top of the world. It had to be fucking worth it. Fucking with my heart for nothing would be even more of a piss off. If I wasn't there for you, the shit you would have been in. You probably wouldn't even still b e in the fucking military. Everyone told me to let you fucking sink, because you were a prick and helping you would just come back and bite me in the ass. I never listened and always had hope for you, you fucker. Well, now I know. You really take the fucking cake, really.

You'll get yours. I promise.

Good fucking night, scum.

What have we found?

[26 Dec 2006|06:39pm]


What have we found?

Never felt a hurt quite this bad... [20 Dec 2006|04:41pm]
"Where Does The Good Go"

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

He doesn't deserve you, but then again; neither do I...
3 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[17 Sep 2006|05:03pm]
I'm in love. Sometime's it doesn't always seem like it... but, I am.

I always will be.
What have we found?

[13 Sep 2006|10:18pm]
2 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[11 Sep 2006|02:28am]
I think I really need to rant. I haven't written down what I'm REALLY feeling in my journal since I was yelled at last time. So, I think tomorrow I'm going to make a livejournal rant for myself. And in preperation for that, I'd like to extend my welcome to anyone who would like to read it, and also to those who dissapprove of my ranting... however if you decide to make a comment discrediting my decision to rant, I'll be glad to tell you to fuck off and to go read a journal that reflects a story similar to your pathetic lives (honestly not intended for any specific person(s)).

Have a nice day.
1 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[16 Aug 2006|02:59am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So, here it is...

I've been home for a week and I haven't hung out with many people yet, but I'm hoping that I'll get in some visits this week since I'm going to Toronto next Monday. So really, let me know if you want to hang out. Once I get back there wont be a lot of time to chill, I'll only be home for 5 days...

I think I'm losing touch with everyone and everything around me... I feel so alone, while really I'm in the middle of a croud. I don't even know how to desribe it. I've given up on a lot lately, my friendships, relationships with everyone really. Everything is just so hard now, nothing makes any sence.

This is one of the first times that I've really felt the way I used to. I don't want to feel that anymore, I want to be happy. Happiness was amazing, I never realized how amazing it really was. In a way coming back to this state is worse considering that I know what I'm missing. I feel like I'm so emotionless, and with basic coming up... it's not a good sign.

Death scares me, but fasinates me at the same time. I'm so into hearing about the wierd deaths, but especially those deaths that touch my life... I still find myself looking at pictures of Adam, and reading his journal entry from 2 days before he died. It's crazy, really. Life is so pointless, and insignifigant, but yet when someone dies, it really is a huge thing for us. Adam was 19, but he's not alone. Those boys that recently died on the Bedford Highway for example, they were only around his age. It's funny, though, it's not only the young deaths that get to me, it's really any death.

I find myself at 2 am sometimes, in the middle of my 6 hour search for famous last words before exicution, or like tonight a long night after reading up on Elliot Smith, Timmothy McVeigh, Charles Manson, Owen Hart.. etc. I scare myself sometimes... but oh well.

Death still does scare me though. Death is the unknown, which is as history shows, the common cause of fear. If I were religious I'd be sure of where I'd end up if I died, heaven or hell... whereas if I were an Athiest, I'd be sure that I'd just end. But I'm right in the middle. I don't really know what I beleive, I might be agnostic, but I don't know if I even beleive in a higher power. So where does that leave me? I'm left so unsure of everything, everyone. How do I even know that any of my efforts have a point, do I continue on good faith like everyone else? What's the point if I might just... end? If there is nothing aferward, then why do we even give a fuck?

Ahh, whatever. I'm just being dramatic and stupid. Depressive, really. Oh well.

Tara, I want to see you before you go, but I haven't heard any information yet...

Anyone else who wants to hang out, let me know... I'm so bored.


1 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[11 Aug 2006|06:23pm]
I passed this term again!

I'm done school with no Supps writen! :) Woo.
2 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[09 Aug 2006|11:28pm]
Everyone forgot about me.

This sucks.
6 of the same old fears| What have we found?

RIP Adam Fairn- I wish we stayed close... [06 Jul 2006|10:01pm]
"Close Yet Far"

Who said that I wasn't right?
I've lived for years without a life
Don't have a soul on my side
Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried
Don't take me under your wing
I don't need a hand, don't need anything
I've got a roof over my head
As if I'd rather be alone with me instead

Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
Though I never never never ever wanted this to be

I can hear the sounds of the city
Sunrise and set are the same to me
A hesitating pulse is good company
And my reflection offers no apology
But who said that I wasn't right?
And I've lived for years without a life
Don't have a soul on my side
Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried

Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me
Though I never never never ever wanted this to be

Close yet far
Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are
And I'll think of the days when there was something to believe
Though I never never never ever wanted this to be
1 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[19 May 2006|06:31pm]
I wish you knew just how hard that was...

You'll be fine without me, I promise.
3 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[02 May 2006|07:19pm]
[ mood | good ]

Hello again.

Well, yet again it's been a while since I last updated. School has been keeping me rather busy in the last few months. I had a week off there in April but I was only home for about 3 days, so that didn't leave me much time to relax and update.

Life is pretty good lately. Today was great. We went to school, got home like normal. It's a beautiful day today. Sun is shining, nice and warm, but not too hot. Beautiful is an understatement. We got home from school, and decided to go for sushi. Boy, did I miss my sushi. I can't wait until I'm in Nova Scotia, and I can get sushi at Sobey's.

I'm off for a month in August. It'll be awesome. I can't wait to be home and actually have time to see everyone. We've actually been recently planning a trip to Wonderland for a few days in August, a road trip of sorts. Anyone interested in joining, just let me know,and we'll work something out :). Also, in August is when I think Sarah and I are going to get our apartment. That'll be nice. Living on my own for real, lol. Having Sarah live with me permenantly will bea very nice change :D.

My last term went decently. My marks wern't amazingly high, but I was pleased. My overall average is only a 70 or so, but I'll deal lol. School has been even more time consuming lately, with 2 different marine engineering courses, it's going to be a very busy term. All I have to think is that this is my last one then I'm graduated,and educated. Soon to be off into my adult life. Scary, huh?

Things with Sarah have been great. She just left after a 10 day trip. Those 10 days were awesome. We've been doing great together. There was a while of stress there, but we're back in the game. It's nice to have her... she really helps in the tough times. I love you ducky. :)

Well, I suppose I should be off to trace out some of my engineering systems, or do some engineering drawings. (Story of my life lol). It's been nice to update. See you on the flip side.


3 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[18 Apr 2006|09:36am]
[ mood | excited ]

I'm coming home.... bitches!

2 of the same old fears| What have we found?

[20 Mar 2006|11:10pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

So, here we are again.

Back here... where I don't really want to be.

Why don't I ever update anymore? I don't really so much anymore. I want to go for sushi now, I just have no time anymore. School needs to end now, really it does. Oh well. I drank Friday night... bad idea. I probably wont be doing that for a while. I haven't talked to my friends in forever, I rarely call them anymore, I have no time... mind you it's not like they're calling me either. So meh.

I've become an old person. I'm so boring, same old routine. Gym in the morning, then school, then homework, then sleep. On the weekends I mostly do homework, then make up for the fact that I can never sleep until an hour before I have to get up for school on the weekdays. I need to make it for sushi this week, I HAVE to. I miss it. :).

Good news: the flight home is booked.
Bad news: I'll only be home for about 3-5 days, they really screwed us over this year, I have an exam on easter monday. Meh.

My money seems to be leaving my bank faster than ever, and I'm not sure why. It was probably a bad idea for me to get a cell phone, seeing as I apparently can't handle it. Oh well, at least I wont die. I guess.

On another note; Sarah and I have officially been together for over a year. Good stuff, I just hope we can work out a few things. Know that I love you...

I'm sick of not sleeping, I really am. I need to be hit over the head with a frying pan, any takers? Yeah, get in line.

Anyone who wants to see drunkin' pictures of me, let me know. I have a whole bunch, all of which I look like a pile of shit. :).






Bleck. That's all I have to say. School tomorrow, and yet another week which is filled with tests, assingments and labs. Woohoo. *thumbs down*. Anyway, I'd say I'm done rambling for now, back to push-ups I go.


What have we found?

[04 Mar 2006|09:06pm]
Ugh... Wierd mood, wierd day... wierd me.

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 42.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions

"In practice the effective volume drawn in per stroke is further reduced since the pressure in the cylinder on the intake stroke must fall sufficiently below the atmospheric pressure so that the inertia and spring force of the intake valve can be overcome."

God, is it sad that the only book I have around right now is an engineering book? I think it is.

Does anyone miss me?
7 of the same old fears| What have we found?

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